Well, it's happening. I'm falling down back into the dark and ugly pit of despair.
I'm so incredibly angry. I'm raging. I'm so mad that this is our life. I'm not okay with this and there is no one to scream at, no one to blame, no one who can help. What's done is done and I'm just left here to rot for the rest of my miserable life. I'm absolutely desperately angry at people for pretending God is something who helps when you need him. Clearly, that's not the case. (Yeah, I already know everyone's going to freak out on me for saying that...deal with it.)
Here's the truth of it. All he had to do was help. That's all, no big thing for him. But instead he left us here in miseray. Why? Don't know, don't care. There is no reason at all that could possibly make it okay.
So here I am, four days out, reliving every nightmarish moment of this week last year, screaming and dying inside with no way out.
Absolutly miserable. That's me. With no escape. A horrible fricken nightmare.
No happiness, no sunshine, no "things are looking up", just a huge crappy mess all the time. Every day, every night, every day, every night... on and on forever.
I've tried to focus on doing things for other people, I've tried to keep busy, I've tried and tried and tried but guess what? Nothing does the only thing I need. Nothing brings him back and nothing takes this away.
He should be here and that's all there is to it.
What's the correct outlet for this type of misery and rage? I could think of a few things... but nothing will fix it. There is no fix.
I'm tired of his birthday, I'm tired of him not being here all the time, I'm tired of being in this group of women who know this type of pain. I don't want to be here. I'm tired of trying my best to heal and move forward. What am I moving towards? Nothing. He will always be gone and we will never be the same again.
Counting the days until I die. That's my life.
What a horrible nightmare.
I am so terribly sorry. I know you are not in a place right now to hear about the positives and looking up, so I will say none of that. What I will say is that you are loved. No matter where you are on this journey of living without Samuel on earth, you are loved.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) I remember 'that week'... try to find something to distract your mind dear. It doesn't heal it, it doesn't change it, it's just better to TRY and not dwell on it ALL the time. It's good practice to do that, it enables you to go on... at some point you will find a reason to go on.
ReplyDeleteTry to be easy on yourself. The emotions you're feeling are 100% normal. No one wants to be here and it sucks that we have to be here. Birthdays and other milestones are always rough. If I could have, I would have stayed in bed on her first birthday. Take care of yourself, do something special, just you and your husband, to honor Samuel. It's the time to just be who you need to be and not be strong for anyone else. He is your son, no matter where he is, he will always be your son. He knows how much you love and miss him. Look for the signs because I;m sure he's watching. Lots of love to you as his birthday gets even closer.
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