It's been a bad couple of days. I'm so filled with pain. My heart is so broken. I rage with anger. I burn with hatred. I want to die but there is no way out.
It's like I was pushed down in a dark pit and left to die. I try to pull myself up and out, and sometimes I even make some progress, but the pit is too deep. I fall to the bottom again and again. There seems to be no way out. I look up and sometimes I can see the sun...I can feel the hope that things are good outside of the pit. I reach and climb for it, wanting so badly to be apart of the life outside the pit. But I can't make it. So I fall to the floor, curl up in a ball and wait to die. I guess life on the outside is not for me. Somehow, for some reason, I don't deserve the life outside the pit. Life outside the pit is happy mommies and daddies with their babies. Life outside the pit is not wondering why your baby had to die. Life outside the pit is enjoying a belief in a loving and faithful God. Life outside the pit is unending joy; a joy ignorant to the possibility of death. I don't get that life. I get the dark horrific existence at the bottom of the pit.
Today we went to see a counselor. It did not help. At all. It only left me feeling more hopeless. I go the impression he didn't have a clue what to say to us. No one can help. There is no way to feel better.
It didn't have to be this way but, for some unknown reason, it is.