Monday, May 21, 2012

I hate this

I hate that I'll never be the same again. I hate that no matter what happens in life, I'll always be missing my little Samuel. I hate that if we decide to have other kids, I'll have to wonder if they'll have the same condition, if they'll die, if they'll be born ok. I hate that I can't just enjoy a pregnancy ever again. I hate that any other children we have will have to live without their brother. I hate that if we want another baby people will think we're trying to replace him. I hate that any other baby we would have would get all of the things Samuel should have gotten. I hate that this happened. I hate that I have to learn how to live again. I hate that all we wanted was a family and this nightmare is what we got. I hate that I never get to hold my little Samuel in this life again. I hate that so many people just decide to have a family, get pregnant, have their baby and live happily ever after without ever even considering how amazing it is that their baby is healthy. I hate that every day perfectly healthy babies are killed because their moms aren't ready for them. I hate that I have to stay here while my baby is in heaven. I hate that Bryan doesn't get his son. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that every day I ask myself what I did to cause this. I hate that I have to wonder what I can and can't believe in the Bible. I hate that I have to wonder why God didn't step in to save would have been so easy for Him. I hate that when I have a few "okay" hours I feel like I must not have loved him enough. 

I hate this.

How did this happen?

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