Monday, May 7, 2012

No place to hide

This morning, when I went to post my blog on Facebook, I saw that yet another one of my friends had their baby. As I looked at the pictures of the precious little face, I sobbed. I'm so angry. Why does it seem like everyone on earth is either pregnant or snuggling with their perfect little babies? Why did I assume that getting pregnant would mean I would get a baby? I must be stupid. I'm so angry. Next year, everyone will be talking about their baby's first birthdays. I'll be sitting here, still without my baby, trying to be happy for them, imagining what Samuel would have looked like, what he would have sounded like, how big he would be and what he would have been doing. They will all be trying to outdo one another with their over-the-top, keeping-up-with-the-Jones' parties and I'll be wishing I could just hold him close and sing to him while he eats his cake that I made for him. This is so wrong!

I just want to run away forever. I don't want to see another woman's pregnant belly or hear another "I'm so happy...we're going to have a baby!" notice on Facebook. I hate everyone who doesn't realize the value of their children. When I think about how many people have babies and then just stick them in daycare all day every day, I'm sick. I would give anything - everything - to spend all day every day with my baby. Where can I possibly go where I won't have to hear about people and their babies? There is absolutely no escape and I hate it. I imagine myself getting in the car and driving away; never looking back. But where can I go? There is no place I can hide.

I hate this... I'm just trapped. And once again, I have no choice. Even as I sit here in my anguish and sickened hatred of the world, I looked outside to see a daddy and his little toddler boy walking hand-in-hand down the sidewalk. REALLY?!? Are you kidding me God? When will you step in to stop all this?

I keep thinking of the words to the Shania Twain song - It only hurts when I'm breathing: only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

If I could just stop living, I'd be ok. But instead I sit here in my own private hell. There is no place to hide. 

Just like so many other times, I think to myself "Thank goodness for Bryan". He keeps me from losing it completely. He gives me reason to stay and reason to live. At least I still have one of my loves. <3

1 comment:

  1. RaeAnn,

    i have no words to comfort you. no reassurances that the pain will be better tomorrow or even in a month. i am sorry!

    i never knew you before learning of your best and worst day. i am a member of your church family at hillside. i know that it feels lonely where you are, but i want you to know that i am here praying for you. WE are praying for you, and when you are ready...i am here to offer you a hug and to listen to every beautiful story of Samuel's time with you.

    take one breathe at a time, one second at a time. focus on that...not tomorrow, or a year from now. just this moment.

    a friend of mine, who lost her little girl at 13 days old, shared this blog with me:

    this mother also lost her son, Marcellus, too soon. she's been there. is still there.



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