God is the strong and silent type. Satan, on the other hand, doesn't shut up. As I sit here and try to figure out how to carry on, I imagine God next to me, looking with love, and whispering "I know love...you're hurting. I'm here when you want me". In my pain, I turn away. Satan creeps up next, words pouring from his mouth. "This is your fault. This is God's fault. You can't go on without Samuel. You'll never be able to cope. You should just lay down and die with him. How dare God not heal him on earth. You were robbed of all that you cared about! You should hate everyone who gets to be pregnant. You should hate everyone who gets to keep their baby. You should just hate everyone." In my pain, I wrap his words around me like a blanket, slump to the floor and cry out in misery. I choose to hate everyone. I choose to believe life can't possibly go on without Samuel. I choose to hate God for allowing me to go through all I did and end up with nothing.
All the while God is still there, quietly watching me with love in his eyes. When He catches my gaze for a moment He once again reminds me "I'm here when you want me". The blanket falls from my shoulders for a moment and I consider His offer. "Maybe I can be ok someday. I know Samuel is safe and so happy. He's fine...maybe I should try to be ok too". I try to stand up. "Ok God, I need you." He pulls me up and holds me close. All I feel is His love and comfort. I picture Samuel, so happy and full of love. How can I possibly be upset that he is gone when I know how amazing his life is in heaven? It's only a matter of time until I can be with him forever. Maybe I should try to make the most of my life without him. I will see him again. Maybe I can go on... For a moment, I feel ok and I try to move forward. But Satan and his lies and hurt are never far away and in moments of weakness, when I turn from God's grasp, he is right there to cover me with the heavy blanket of grief and pain.
This is how the past few weeks have felt. Back and forth between the two. Some moments are filled with so much pain, sadness, loneliness and emptiness; I think I'll never get over it. Other moments are ok. Yes, I miss him intensely, but there is nothing I can do, so I should just try to pick my life back up and move forward. Back and forth. Okay, not okay.
I started to put away some of his things. I don't want to put too much emphasis on his things, lest I become a hoarder. I want to remember him. I try to imagine myself in different situations; things I may do in the next few months. There is always something missing. My little Samuel is always missing. Will there really be a day when I don't feel his absence? Will there really be a day when I can remember him without the ache inside?
All I wanted was a baby. What I got was the most love I've ever felt (my time with him) then the worst pain I've ever faced (missing him forever). I hate this. One day at a time...one moment at a time. It's already been three weeks.