Monday, September 24, 2012

I Really Wanted to Keep Him

I've been just so very sad lately. So very, very sad. The tears fall so frequently. I miss him. My heart is so broken. I just really, really, really wanted to keep him. I don't want to make a new life without him in it. I don't want to keep trying to move forward. I just want to have him back. How can I do that?

Oh, that's right...I can't.

As I've mentioned before, I'm not a big fan of showing my emotions in front of people. It's too personal. I can put on a brave face when people are around. I can talk about him and say that I'm sad, but I hate to cry when they can see. So it's hard to be around people for a long time. It's tiring. When they leave, I cry. I sob my heart out for my precious little guy.

Oh, I miss him. I replay the 10 minutes I got with him over and over again. I would do the whole thing over again just to have those 10 minutes one more time. Just to touch his soft head and hold his tiny little hand. To look in his eyes and be able to say "I love you!" Oh, my poor heart...I just really wanted to keep him.

Most days I just do the things I need to do. I make it thought each day because it's all I can do. I cry every night for my missing boy. It doesn't matter how tired I am, he is all I can think of once my head hits the pillow. Every night it's the same. I cry because I made it though one more day without him. I miss him.

I've been trying lately to keep busy. I've been working on the event coming up in October. I've made a new blog to try to help others like us. Keeping busy helps my mind occupied, but it doesn't stop my heart from hurting for him.

I just really wanted to keep him.

*this video was taken just before the nurse came in to take hand molds. That's why Bryan is not holding him.


  1. beautiful video, raeanne. thanks for sharing. love you, girl <3

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss! It's so very fresh and painful for you, I'm sure. Thank you for sharing your heart, is a very vulnerable thing to do, but healing as well. It has been 7 years since I held my little baby boy and I still miss him terribly. Terribly. I understand how much you miss your sweet Samuel and I'm so sorry you didn't get to keep him. Hugs to you, mama. <3

  3. (((hugs)))) I am so sorry! Wish there were more comforting words I could say. I understand how much you miss your little boy as I miss mine so much as well!

  4. I'm not sure what to say except thank you for continuing to share with all of us what is going on with you, your memories, pics and videos of Samuel. You and Bryan have been the best parents ever.

  5. Hey your blog is a beautiful tribute to your little angel. It's 12 years since I lost my angel Peter and I still miss him so very much. I always will. Big (((hugs))) to you sweetie xxx


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