Five Months

Today marks five months. I don't even know what to say. I don't want there to be such a thing as five months without him. I'm crabby and frustrated today. I don't want to talk about "five months", I don't want to live "five months".  I couldn't sleep at all last night. Not one bit. Just dazed insomnia all night. Nope, I'm not going to do it...no way... five months is too long.  But, despite my best efforts, here we are: five months. Just like every other day, there is a huge gaping hole in my life. One where a now five-month-old should be.

I always have this alternate version of life running through my head. One where he lived and is growing and a part of our lives as he should have been. I imagine on a regular basis the "what ifs" of each day. Today he would be banging spoons and toys on the tray of his highchair while I make supper. Today he would be scooting around on the floor after the kitty. Today he would be smiling and filling our lives with joy and laughter. I like those thoughts, but it always ends the same; he's gone and I miss him. I didn't get to keep him. So, instead of the sounds of toys being crashed against whatever surface most easily accessible, it's the empty sounds of a sad house. No toys, no baby, no happiness. (Oh wait...there are toys, lots of them. They - just like everything else baby related - are just collecting dust.)

Bryan got a new puzzle (a belated birthday present) the other day (he loves them, me - not so much). Last night he asked me if I wanted to help (no, but sure) and I said, "I bet Samuel would have wanted to 'help' ". We both laughed as we pictured our little guy grabbing the pieces and pushing them all around. Then one (or a few) would go right in his mouth. Oh, it hurts. I miss him. Laughter turns to tears all the time around our house.

I like to have this alternate version of life where everything worked out. I like to have him live on in that version because then at least someone (the fictional version of me) get's to keep him. At least that version of life is happy.

So what can I say about five months? Nothing new. He's gone, I'm sad, and life is hard. We miss our Samuel today and every day.

Happy five-months, my little bunny <3. Mama and daddy miss you so very much! We can't wait to be with you again. I hope you're getting lots of kisses today my sweet boy. I would do anything on earth to be the one giving them! We love you forever!

xoxo
Mama