God, today I woke up with such a heavy heart. I miss my baby so much! Why did you take him? Why did you allow him to die? Why do I have to live without him? How can you possibly think this is a good plan?
Last night, we had a tornado warning for a few hours. We went downstairs and tucked in for a evening of watching the weather channel and waiting for it to pass. I had the weirdest sensation the whole time: I wanted to protect Samuel. It makes no sense; he is safer than I am!, but it was there nonetheless. I guess it was my mothering instinct. It kept happening all night. The sirens would sound and my heart would beat faster as I longed to hold him close and speak calming words to him. My brain could tell me he wasn't here but my heart kept looking for him. I felt like I had nothing to do with my hands. They should have been working to protect and comfort Samuel.
I also realized we now own things that are unreplaceable. For instance, the little box of his ashes, the disks of his photos, and the molds of his hands and feet. I snatched those things up as we went downstairs. I also had this thought of his room being destroyed and it killed me. I hate that I now have so many things that feel so irreplaceable. It's just a crib...but it's his crib. So now what? Do I buy a vault and keep it all locked up forever? I need to try to separate him from his things so I don't go nuts trying to hang on to them.
Much later in the evening, after the storm had passed, I was in bed trying to go to sleep. I began praying for some things when I had this overwhelming sense of discouragement. I actually thought "What's the point?" I cried because I finally realized how much I feel let down by God. I know I can trust Him, but I don't feel I can trust Him. I hate that. I stopped mid-word in my prayer and said to myself, "He's just going to do whatever He wants anyways." I hate that I feel this way. I'm just so confused. He knew how much pain this outcome would bring. How could He possibly think this was the best plan?
Each day is a new emotion (sometimes even each hour). Just when I feel like I can take this on and make it through, a new wave of sadness or loneliness hits me. I'm so disgusted that I have so little control over my life now. I guess none of us have as much as we believe we do. It can all be taken away in an instant.
So many people are trying their best to help me. There is nothing anyone can do. There are no magic words that will bring me comfort, there are no ways of caring for me that will leave me feeling secure, there are no amounts of time spent with me that will take away my pains of missing him. There are only two people I want to be with - Samuel and Bryan. I care about people and I don't ever want to hurt anyone. I just want to be alone. All I want is to stay in bed all day. I don't want to try to listen to what anyone has to say. I can't fathom trying to care about anything. I'm tired just thinking of spending time with anyone. Maybe I'll just turn off my phone for a while.
It's just another day for everyone else. For me it's another day without my love.
Hugs, friend.
ReplyDeleteThe other night, I went to bed super anxious about house fires because of a story our local news did. And it got me thinking the same things you did--all of a sudden, I have these other important, irreplaceable things to grab of Hannah's. If we need to get out of the house fast, we have three kids to grab.
I'm so sorry for your breaking heart!! I will continue to lift you both in prayer. It is a confusing and pain filled time. You are doing a great job by allowing yourself permission to feel it all and share your frustration, confusion and disappointment with God.
ReplyDeleteI can say I have learned that we live in a broken world. People make poor choices that impact other people. Genetics are no longer pure. Disease is filling bodies around the world, born and yet to be born. Toxins are everywhere. People are not kind, they are violent, they hurt others all the time.
It was not part of God's plan for all this to happen. He gave us free choice and we chose poorly. I also know with every fiber of my being that at the worst points in my life, when I did not think I would even have the ability to suck in one more breath of air, He sustained me, He gave me strength, He comforted me, He gave me wisdom, understanding, and healing. I had to chose to stand in faith. I had to realize it was a S L O W process. I had to know that God is a good and loving God who gave up His son for me. He loved and still loves His son even more than I love all 3 of my kids. Two are living and one is in His arms. And I had to grieve that, something that took me almost a decade but it also helped me to help sooo many other people. I truly know what unconditional love is. I have rock solid faith in God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit but boy it came at a high price, mostly from them, but from the pain, hurt, and suffering in my life too.
I know it feels like this will never end. And that is why we will all keep praying for you. So as I said before, until your heart can start beating on its own again, mine will beat for you.
I love you!!
I don't have any real words of wisdom but I agree with Peg. She said it so well and I just wanted to say that my heart aches for you. It is ok to express your feelings and give yourself permission to feel. I guess it is all part of the grieving process. Just hang in there and give yourself some time. It is a slow prcoess. Love you!
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