A knife to my heart

Last night, as I lay in bed, I cried out to God. God, I don't even know what to ask for. I just need help. Please, Lord, help me to feel ok enough to get to a better place. Please God! After a while, the song I sang to Samuel came into my mind and I just started singing it. (It was a little song I made up for him. It's his and my song so I'm not going to share it - I don't even think Bryan knows it...) I remembered the times I would sit and sing to Samuel. I pictured him listening to it and feeling secure. It gave me some peace. I couldn't sleep, so I got up and took a shower. I use to sing to Samuel in the shower too. I decided to just sing to him again. (Maybe God would let him hear?) While Bryan slept upstairs, I just sang and sang to my little baby. I felt a sense of peace again. Thank you, God!

This morning, when I woke up, I didn't have the same overwhelming heaviness I've had for the past few days. With Samuel's song still in my head, I got up and actually did some things around the house. I even made Bryan lunch! While I won't say I was happy by any means, I just felt less burdened and more able to function than I have for the last few days. Then, it happened.

I had spent some time this morning sending notes to some people on Facebook, to thank them for the ways they have helped us in the past few weeks (I was going to send actual notes in the mail but the thought of buying cards, writing them out, addressing them and mailing them was just way too much right now. Plus, the words are what count). I've been meaning to do it for a while, but it had just felt too tiring before today. If people replied, I get a message on my phone. One of these messages was from a family member. In the last part of the message, she told me she was pregnant. That sentence was like a knife right to my heart. All the "okay-ness" of the morning was gone instantly. God, this is so wrong! I had to get outta there so I went outside to our backyard (maybe fresh air will help me process this better...) It didn't. I sat outside, sobbing and trying to make sense of it all. Samuel was suppose to be the family baby right now. Samuel was suppose to get all the coos and ogling and attention. He should have been the center of all their love right now. But he doesn't get any of it. Instead, this baby will get it all. It burns me to my core that all this was stolen from my baby. And it hurt so deeply because it felt like she was bragging..."you couldn't keep your baby, but I'm going to keep mine" (I know, it doesn't make sense and I believe she did not at all mean it that way...but it's how I was feeling.) I just can't imagine how someone so sweet and dear could possibly think now was the time to tell me this news. I sobbed for a while, then I realized I needed help. I called a friend and somehow choked out that I needed her. She came right over and helped me get it all out. After a while, I calmed down. She left, Bryan came home and we ate dinner. Bryan summed it up nicely when I told him about the news. "It's just not fair". (He has a way of getting right to the point.) He's right. It's not that we won't love our new little niece or nephew. And we know this person would never ever want us to hurt. But it's just so unfair. And that hurts so deeply.

It's so crazy to me all the things people do without considering how it will affect us. Let me help: if you are expecting a baby - I don't want to know. I can't possibly be happy for you right now. (The only exception to this is a friend who lost a baby a while back who is now expecting again. I can be happy for her because she knows). If you are super happy because you have a new baby and want to share him or her with me - don't. I can't be happy for you right now. If you know someone who is pregnant or just had a baby - don't tell me. I won't think it's great. I won't be happy for them. My baby died three weeks ago. My life ended in many ways on that day. I can't be happy for anyone for any reason right now. I just don't care and hearing about others happiness kills me because I wonder why I didn't get the same outcome. You just can't imagine what this feels like unless you've been though it. There are only a handful of people I care about right now, and if you're one of them, you'll know.I know how horrible this sounds, but it's just how I'm feeling right now. If someone husband dies would you tell them about your super romantic weekend getaway with your spouse? NO. So why tell a mommy who just lost her baby about your baby? It's the same concept.

One more bit of advice. If the words "I probably shouldn't say this" proceed what you're about to say, don't say it. Or if you think what your about to say will be the "thing" to help me get over this, it won't be. The only way you can help me now is to just let me know you're thinking of me. (A sweet friend did this very thing today). If you want to help, ask me what I need.  No one can take this from us, and we will never, ever, "get over it." We will live missing Samuel for the rest of our lives. 

Once again I ask myself: Where can I go? Where can I run to? Again I remember: there is no escape.

*As I read back over what I just wrote I feel bad. I love people and I do care about them. I hate that other's good news brings me so much pain. God, help me to love other people like I should. Help me to be happy for them in times of joy.  I know with all my heart this person would never, ever want to hurt us. I'm going to try to be excited for my new little niece or nephew.