One Month

My baby should be one month old today. I can't believe he's not here. My heart is aching to be with him. How on earth did all this happen? I wonder: would he be smiling? I wish I could see him smile.

Yesterday was my first Mother's Day. I had been dreading the day. I was so worried that no one would say "Happy Mother's Day" to me. I am a mother. I can't help it that my baby is not with me. That was not my choice. I thought of all the women who hurt on Mother's day. There are so many women who are mamas without babies. The day is supposed to be the day to honor the work of motherhood. And that's awesome...it is a lot of work! But for so many women, it's a day to remind them of what's missing. I know that's not the intention, but I know it's a day of a lot of pain and sadness for many women. Now, it is for me too. How do you celebrate being a mom if you can't have your baby? Are you still a mother even if you don't have the baby you so desperately want? I think so! There are plenty of women with babies who are not mothers and plenty of women without babies who are. I believe it's all a matter of their heart.

Everything is so backwards in our lives. How did it happen that the time that should be filled with so much joy is the time of so much heartbreak? Bryan said it and I agree: nothing in life feels right.

Bryan did his best for me yesterday. He made me breakfast and then we talked about Samuel. We looked at photos and watched the video of him. I tried to focus on the time I had with Samuel; just being his mama. I remembered singing to him, reading to him and rocking with him. I remembered how I would talk to him and he would kick in response. Those are the best moments of my life.

Some dear friends and family members called/texted/emailed to share their love for us. It helped. The messages were all the same idea: it shouldn't be this way...he should be here with us.

I remembered this song:

This is not how is should be...
this is not how it could be...
but this is how it is
and our God is in control. 

This is not how it will be. I need to keep my focus on this the most. This is not how it will be. When I am back with Samuel, all of the pain will be gone forever. I just need to somehow make it to that day. 
 

While I was pregnant, we started a small garden on the side of our house. Since Samuel was still with us at it's creation, we decided to make it his garden now. So yesterday we went to get flowers for his garden. While we were at the store, I made the mistake of looking around at people. So many happy moms with their babies. Why not me? I just don't understand. (This is why I don't go anywhere unless I have to). While we were waiting to check out, I looked in the cart next to us. I saw a baby carrier with a tiny little newborn foot poking out. That should be us. We should be the family with the tiny new baby. But we're not. We're the family with broken dreams and broken hearts, buying flowers to remember our lost love. It's all we have. I hate it.

I miss my Samuel...

(Here is his garden. It's blue and yellow flowers. I'll take another photo when they bloom. )

________________________________________________________________

I found this interview with the Chapman family yesterday. There is some good information about grieving so I thought I'd share. I can identify so much with the mother's words: "I don't care who's lives are changed, I want Maria back." It's not about being uncaring towards others. It's about not wanting to trade your baby for the encouragement of others. When people tell me how Samuel has changed their lives, my first thought is "I don't care... I just want my baby back". But since the outcome is set, then I guess it's good to know that at least he has made a difference.

What the daughter says is also so true: it's like a winding road and you don't know what's around each turn. Sometimes you can be okay, then only moments later, you're not at all okay. My heart breaks for their family.