Thursday, May 17, 2012
I'm not alright
Every morning with my very first thought, I think of Samuel. All day long, he is on my mind. Every night, with my last thought of the day, I think of Samuel. Sometimes it hurts so bad I just want to not think about anything at all. My brain is trying to make sense of something that is senseless. I lie in bed, every moment of his life, birth and death running though my head. All the "what if's" and "should have's" trying their best to infiltrate my thinking. I can't go down that road. What's done is done. I hate it. How can my heart feel so empty and heavy at the same time? I hate that with each day I'm moving farther and farther away from the time I had with him. He will always be in my heart, but that's not enough. All I want is my baby. I hate that I have no choice but to carry on. What else can I do? I'm not alright, I'm broken inside.
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The one thing we are blessed with if nothing else, is that we do not have to use OUR emotions to judge how we are. God is NEVER changing, ALWAYS present, and provides us with His peace that PASSES all understanding. The hardest part is getting to the point of no longer trying to understand. It takes time and you are doing a good job. Grieving is tough and does not make sense. It is a time your emotions run wild and so do the thought of the enemy.
ReplyDeleteFeel everything and eventually, you will feel more good than bad because you will hold the blessing but God will heal the hurt and emptiness. I know it does not seem possible. It is. Our Abby would be 27 years old today. We cherish her and how she changed us, we miss her and wonder what she would be like, but there is no longer pain. She is in Gods hands and so are we.
We love you!! We continue to pray for you. if you ever feel like talking, don't hesitate to call. <3