Sunday, June 2, 2013

Too much!

Today was rough. R O U G H.

It started out ok. Today was my sisters' 21st birthdays. (For those that don't know, I have twin sisters). I thought it would be nice to take them out to dinner, so we made plans to go to the Melting Pot. I was looking forward to a nice night out. (This is not the rough part.)

The following day is my brother's 21st birthday (long story short, they are adopted and happen to have birthdays only 1 day apart) and Bryan was going to take him out to our local amusement park for the day.

We came up with the plan to stay at a hotel in the cities overnight, since I'd be out with the girls tonight and he'd be out with my brother tomorrow. No need to drive several hours back and forth. Plus, it's nice to be out of the house.

Okay, now to the rough part.

I woke up this morning to learn that Bryan's dad was being taken in to surgery. He has been successfully battling  cancer for the past few years but has recently had a few problems. I immediately began packing up all our things and trying to get us out the door to go to the hospital to be with his mom. We needed to have everything for our overnight stay, but we also wanted to get there as soon as possible (we live about 1.5 hours from them). We threw our stuff together and rushed to be with them.

As we got there, we learned the surgery had been successful - thank goodness!! - and that he'd be in a room soon. Since we knew he was out successfully, and since we hadn't had anything to eat all day, I dropped Bryan off and went to pick us all up something to eat.

When I returned, I was walking to his room when I turned the corner and came face to face with a mother in labor and her husband. My heart stopped for a moment, but I rushed by them, doing my best to pretend they didn't exist while secretly cursing the day I was born and wishing to disappear forever.

I got to the room - Bryan was in the hall -  and his mom pulled me aside and said, "I just wanted to let you know there is a new baby in the room across the hall. Bryan has asked the nurse to keep the door closed" (apparently he explained why and she was very accommodating). "Of course there is" I thought, but just said, "okay, thanks". I felt the all too failure pain in my heart but did my best to just brush it off. We were there for his dad. I did my best to put it out of my mind.

We were all in the room waiting for his dad to be brought in from recovery. He was pushed in and what do you know? The nurse pushing the bed: hugely pregnant. Oh, lord in heaven, of course she is! Deep can do this...(horrible thoughts to myself).

I pulled it together - again - and just looked away. Then, they asked us to step out in the hall while they got him in bed and adjusted. We did. (I'm sure you can see where this is going...)

We're all standing there talking when guess which door opens? That's right, the new baby's door. It's cries filled the hall and I literally felt faint. My heart started thumbing and my legs felt numb. Without even thinking, I started sobbing. And sobbing. And sobbing.

There was an empty room just next door, so I turned and bolted in. Sobbing and heaving and gasping. It was horrible. HORIBLE. I wanted to run out the door and leave, but they were all there and our car keys were in his dad's room. It was ugly. Bryan came in to hold me and comfort me. "I know, I know, I know" he said.  (Who knows what on earth his family was thinking). I cried and cried as my heart broke for the 9 millionth time. I tried to pull myself together but it was just too much. Too many babies... way too many fricken babies. There is only so much I can take and the barrage of babies was just too much. I cried and cried and cried.

After a while,  I got it together enough to come back out to the hall. Puffy wet red faced.

But guess what? Just as I walked out, someone opened the bleeping door again! New baby cries, more ripping noises from my heart. I was so overwhelmed I frantically started looking for the fastest way out but could only go back in the room and sob all over again. What a fricken nightmare!!!! I honestly wished I could die. Right there on the floor. I wished with all my might. I begged whoever could hear my thoughts, please, please, please, just let me be DONE! But, alas, I'm still here.

As I cowered in the dark bathroom of the empty room, with Bryan holding me and tears streaming down my face, I heard through the wall more sounds from the stupid baby's room. If that baby was sent to earth to rip my heart out, then it succeeded.

What a horrible nightmare! If I never hear or see another baby in my life, that would be perfect.

I felt like such a mess. We were there for his dad and there I am having a nervous breakdown in the other room. But such is my life. My ugly, horrible life.

Once again, I pulled myself together enough to go to his room. We got in there safely this time with no sounds from the stupid baby (have I mentioned I hate that baby?) and were able to be with him for a while.

All I could think is why on earth is a new mother in the same wing as a man who just had stomach surgery?? Oh, yeah, because I was going to be there. Clearly, whoever is in charge of how things run in life has it out for me. (Have I mentioned I them too??)

No one said anything to me. I guess they had no idea what to say.

We spent time with his dad and after a while left so he could rest. Thankfully, he is doing as well as he can.

We left and headed to the hotel. I grumbled and hurt and thought of all the ways I could die and wished I would just stop existing all the way there. Again, no such luck.

We checked in and I just went to sleep. What else can you do when your life is a horrible, ugly nightmare?

I woke up and felt a little more able to function.

I pulled together all my inner resources and was able to take my sisters out for a nice night. (Guess what? Our waitress...also pregnant. Someone please just let me die in peace!!)

I'm done. I can't take one more baby or pregnancy or happy family. It's not okay with me. I'm not sure why I try to leave the house. After we get home tomorrow, I'm never leaving again.

Everyone can just keep on living their happy baby-filled lives without me.


  1. Oh RaeAnne, what a terrible day. Sometimes things just get thrown in our face when things are already stressful, and we don't have time to prep ourselves or figure out how to cope. I've had times where I've broken down in public with my husband's family too. It's really all so hard.

    I know what you mean about the sounds of a newborn's cries tearing out your heart. When I flew to England last week there was a small baby on the flight. I was so terrified I'd be trapped on the plane and that it would cry the whole way. I was tired and I wouldn't have coped well with it. Luckily I slept and I think the baby did too.

    But well done for getting through it. Thinking of you always <3

  2. So sorry, what a horrible experience to have to go through. :`( I fall apart every Sunday at church because there is a ton of pregnant women and babies everywhere--it is so torturous and hard! ((HUGS))

  3. WOW. What a series of events! I am so sorry it happened that way. Very rarely does a day go that hard, promise. I SO remember those days... when that baby is just too much to bear. Be brave, try again down the road. ((hugs)) Prayers for you and Bryan, Al and Sandy. Y

  4. That is horrible. It seems like that always happens-when it rains it pours...I remember the first time my husband and I went out to "run errands" after Caleb died. I think we counted 12 babies that night that we saw. I wanted to throw up each time. No one understands how hard it is except those of us who have been through it. Hang in there and I hope you make it back home without any more run-ins.


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