I'm really frusterated tonight. Really, really, really frustrated.
I was cleaning today and I went to vacuum Samuel's room. It's not really a big deal, I do it all the time with the rest of the house. Today, I bent down in his closet to reach to the back corner with the nozzle and I just about lost it. I'm not sure what it was specifically, but I just was overcome with anger - rage, even - and a massive wave of sadness. Why is he not here? I did EVERY SINGLE THING that a person does to have a baby. Every. Single. Thing. Including giving birth. But, no baby to be found anywhere in this family. I'm so outraged. How can this have happened? Where is he? I looked around at all his things I and I could just throw up. I'm so tired of their unused newness. I miss him desperately.
Instead of having a one-year-old, I have nothing to show for it all except a bunch of unused stuff.
I realized something: if I ever want to use any of it, I'm going to have to do this all over again. All of it. And with ZERO guarantee of a good outcome. (And, really, zero guarantee of even being able to get to the point of beginning again. No one said if you have one baby you'll be able to have another).
There is something happening in my circle of the babyloss world. People are having their rainbows. I'm starting to hear announcement after announcement of people who lost a baby around the time Samuel died, saying they are expecting a new baby. A rainbow is a beautiful thing. It's hope that you can go on to add to your family and find some joy in the pain. But for people like me who don't have one, it's also just another group I'm no longer apart of. Now there are two sets of people I don't fit in with. Great. I'm very happy for most of them (no, not all. Sometimes I think people get pregnant way too fast just to try to fill the void. Babies are not replaceable. Bodies and hearts need time to heal before you should even think about doing it again - in my opinion). I know first hand how much these babies are deserved, loved and wanted. That's wonderful to know these hurting mamas will soon have something to fill their empty arms. But all it does it remind me how painfully empty mine are.
Right around the time of his first birthday last month, it was like people suddenly felt they had permission to start asking us if we're going to have another baby. I could practically feel the whispers...do you think they'll try again?!? Some were bold enough to actually ask us. Some just asked people who know us in an attempt to gain "insider information".
Let me just nip that in the bud right this second.
WE are the ONLY ones who will make that decision. WE will let YOU know if we decide to add to our family. WE will not feel pressured to do something we don't feel ready for, just because YOU think it's time. Of course we want a baby to raise. We had a baby. It's not our fault he's not here. It's incredibly defeating to do everything we did and to end up where we are. Not really a motivation to do it all over again. It's extremely emotional to think of everything involved in having another baby. We know what can - and does - happen all the time. Not all babies live. You don't get a free pass just because you lost one already. We have lost our innocence and know far too many people and stories to be so naive about it. Just because most everyone we know pops out babies like it's nothing doesn't mean it'll be smooth sailing for us.And even if we do get to keep a new baby, we'll always be missing Samuel. Our family is forever broken; someone precious will always be missing.
So all this is to say that I'm hurting tonight. My arms ache for my baby. The one I had already. The one who should be here now. My little Samuel. Maybe, in someway, also for the ones I hoped to have all along. I'm extremely angry he was snatched away from me for no reason. I'm frustrated that other people are just getting pregnant left and right and I'm not in that group. I'm angry that it has to be so very hard for us while other people just breeze right through it. It's not okay that this happened and there is no one to blame. Sometimes, I just want to stop existing. That would be so much easier.
My heart hurts. My soul is enraged. My life is empty. There is nothing I can do but keep going.
Such is my life.