I haven't had a lot to say here lately. I'm not exactly sure when it happened... sometime between the last few weeks... but I'm starting to get people telling me to move on. (We're still on this... that's old news!) I've received letters in the mail (yes - handwritten, "you need help," letters) and messages on FB. Weird. I guess I am only allowed to miss and be sad for my son for a little while. Then I need to shut up and move on to other things. Needless to say, I've been hurt by people who tend to say "but I love you so much and so does God" at the end of their very ignorant and hurtful notes. It leaves me hating the world and wishing them horrible tragedy just so they will get it. (And also realizing why some people can't stand "Christians".) So I don't write. I keep it to myself. I know how much I love and miss him so I'm a safe place to keep my words.
I love you, Samuel! I miss you so very much! I will never, ever stop loving or missing you!
Then, I get a card from my aunt Vicky. It's a loving and beautiful and encouraging card. It reminds me that some people DO get it and will love and miss him right along with me. I remember there are some real Christians out there. So I decide to write again.
I'm not really sure how else to say this: If you think I should be
moving on, if you don't get why I'm sad and that I will always miss him, this place is not for you. Please leave now. And never
If you are here to love and support me, if you want to try to understand what it's like for me (without judgement), you are welcome here.
Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. Firstly, it was Samuel's six-month birthday. I can't even believe it's been six months. How on earth have I made it this long without him? I don't want to keep doing this. I just want to be done missing him. I want to have him with me. I hate that this is my life. I miss him endlessly and deeply. Sometimes I still can't believe this really happened.
Secondly, we held the event for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. It was beautiful. But also hurtful. Of the 14 families who signed up to attend, no one showed up. It such a terrible feeling then when you put tons of time, work and money into an event to show love to others, to have them reply "yes, I'm coming and I can't wait!" and then find yourself alone at the welcome table, surrounded by gifts and flowers and programs all created for those very people who never came. It's defeating. There were so many days when I was tired and sad and just wanted to cancel the whole thing. But I kept working because I wanted it to be a special day for families missing their loves. I wanted to gather with them and people who love and miss Samuel to honor their lives. I guess it's too much to ask of people. I'm hurt. (I realize things happen, but, really, everyone!?)
It ended up being a very small, but very beautiful night. We were surrounded by lights and candles. The poems and words and music were beautiful. I hope Samuel was able to see our love for him. My friend Erin, who helped me organize the event, and her family were able to remember their precious babies (Hannah and Charlie) too. Also my aunt Lea, who lost two of her own, was able to share and remember them with us. My parents and siblings (who did SO MUCH WORK to get ready) were also there. (Thank you for your hard work. I know Samuel would have loved to see it.) We lit candles for our babies and also read the names of, and lit candles for, the other babies we know who are gone far too soon. We sent Samuel a white "happy birthday love!" balloon.
It was a hard day. I got home, I looked at all the unused gift bags and craft items and I cried. It's kind of a representation of my life. So much work and love put into something that almost no one appreciates.
For him and for me.
I just really, really miss him. All I wanted was to keep him. All I got was this mess.
Mama misses you, love! Are you getting so big? Do you sit up now and smile so big and laugh? My heart aches for you little guy! I hope you get lots of hugs and kisses every day my sweet boy. I can't wait to do it myself.
All our love, Mama and Daddy <3
Tonight is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We will light a candle at 7pm for our precious boy, and for all those babies so loved and missed. Will you join us?