Sometimes I feel like a monster has taken me over. I scream and snarl and snap. I want everyone around me to hurt because I do. I feel a deep rage towards anyone who has a healthy baby. I'm not who I used to be, and I hate who I am right now: miserable, lonely, mean, and hurting.
A few weeks ago, I was reading an article on Still Standing Magazine about a woman who had lost her baby boy. She talked about how she felt like a monster too. She said, "I want to take your baby from you and ask you how it feels". I know that feeling. It's this feeling that since I have to do this, then so should everyone else. No one should be allowed to have a healthy baby right now because mine died for no reason.
It's really hard to feel so much hatred and rage towards people when deep down you don't want to hate anyone. You love babies, but since you're has been taken from you, you begin to despise them. The monster of grief has stolen your normal self and all you feel is deep hurt, immense pain and overwhelming rage.
I just finished reading the book, Unexpected Goodbye, by Angela Rodman of the blog, Little Bird. In a conversation between herself and her husband, he says, "...[baby loss parents] are backed into a corner like angry wolves, and they don’t care who gets hurt, they just want the pain to stop." This is exactly it. I'm so deeply wounded. I don't know what on earth happened, or why, and I'm angry and confused. People come close to try to help and I immediately lash out in fear and pain.
I look around my life and see people laying in my wake. I say mean things, I freak out when someone says the wrong thing (don't get me wrong...it's not okay that they say those things), and I am left alone, desperately hurting and needing help, but my pain and rage keeps people away (and, really, there is nothing anyone can do anyways).
I don't want to see or hear anything about any baby. Well guess what...almost every single one of the people I would have liked to be around has a baby or is pregnant. What on earth am I to do?
I think this is partly why I get so down. Not only do I miss my little Samuel with an intensity I can not fully explain, but I'm also no longer a part of the life I used to have. I can't go anywhere, do anything, watch any show, read any magazine, listen to any song, etc. etc. without hurting. Babies are everywhere. Just try to do anything without seeing or hearing about one. Next time you go to the store, look around at all the things that I have to deal with: pregnant people, babies in car seats, baby items, magazines about pregnant teenagers and pregnant drugged-out-messed-up celebrities, and on and on. There is no safe place for a mama without her baby. So I stay home. All the time. Just me and the monster that has taken me over.
I honestly can say I hate my life right now. I don't want any part of it. But there is nothing I can do; no escape. I just keep going, hoping someday the monster will get sick of me and move on. Then maybe I'll be able to find what's left of who I once was and start again.