Tonight, Bryan and I were talking and missing our little guy together. It's been a while since he's talked about the night Samuel died. Tonight he told me.
He told me how hard it was.
He told me how sad he felt.
How time just stopped and how surreal it became.
He explained how the doctor told him, "there is not much time now" and how he rushed in to Samuel's room to be with him. He explained how he got close to him, held his hand and caresses his head. "Daddy's right here Samuel. Daddy loves you so much and so does your mama! You're going to be all better now. We love you so much!" He spoke to him as he took his last breaths.
He cried for his baby.
He misses his little guy.
He hurts for him.
He doesn't get the support I do because he's "just the dad". No one asks him how he's doing. They ask about me, or not at all. They don't say to him, "I'm so sorry your baby is gone". They don't do special things to help him grieve.
I see his hurt. I feel his pain. I hold him while he's hurting. I know he does his best to be strong. I remind him whenever I can how thankful I am for him. How much I love him and how much Samuel loved him too.
He did what I would imagine very few men would do in the same situation. He was a daddy and a mama to Samuel when I couldn't be there. He held him and bathed him and rocked him for hours and hours.He gave kisses and snuggles and so much love. He did this because I couldn't be there, but also because he wanted to. He is an amazing man.
It hurts my heart that he couldn't keep him. He was and is an amazing daddy.