The days leading up to this day have been really bad. I've felt this day coming, like a heavy thick cloud. It's almost the 14th - he should be three months old. Oh my poor heart. It just keeps on beating, even with a huge chunk missing. Yesterday, I freaked out on Bryan and nearly lost my mind. Sometimes the emotions are just so strong. I didn't want to make it to today. I never wanted to say "it's been three months since our baby died". Time just keeps moving on...
Since the wait list for Molly Bears is SO long, I decided to make my own "Samuel Bunny". I found a really cute bunny online and then made some alterations to it. Now, it weighs 4lbs, 8oz, just like my real bunny did. It's nice to hold when I'm really missing him. Maybe I'll become that crazy person who carries around a stuffed bunny and calls it "my baby". Would any of you really judge me? So what if I push it around in a stroller and dress it in clothes and wear it in a sling while at Target? (I'm kidding. But just by chance, if you happen upon a woman with a stuffed bunny in a front pack, just smile and move on...)
I just miss him so much!
I'm finding myself so heartbroken when I see other people with babies. It's so unfair! It hurts me to my core. That should be me! I did everything they did; why do they get to snuggle their sweet ones, while I just sit and cry? Why?? I hate it! I can't be around anyone with a baby (except for the few people who I'm closest too). That pretty much leave me alone all the time. I've had to "unsubscribe" from almost all my friends on FB because they are always talking about babies and pregnancy and such and it rips my broken heart every time. Now, I have 4 people I get notifications from. What a sad world. For some unknown reason, I'm on the outside looking in. I can't be a part of the group. I'll always be "that one".
Oh, I miss him so much!
To my sweet baby, Samuel,
We miss you, bunny! We can't believe it's been three months already.. even one month felt too long. We wonder all the time what you'd be up to now...maybe picking your head up during tummy time? Maybe thinking about rolling over? I know we're missing out on some amazing times. What's it like in heaven? We wonder if you're a little guy still, or a big one. Do you play all day long? What's your favorite thing to do? I hope great-grandma's aren't spoiling you too much! I bet you have lots of friends to play with. We can't wait to see you again, bunny. Sometimes, when we consider how long we may have to be without you, we can't believe we're going to make it that long! Mama can't wait to hold you and kiss you and love you, forever! That will be the best day!! We love you, Samuel. More than you could ever know! xoxo,
Mama and Daddy <3
On a side - but important note -
Thank you so much, Amy, for sending us a card and gift. It means a lot that people are still caring for us when others have moved on.
Thank you so much, Jaimi, for the text today. I can't tell you how much it means to have a friend who remembers his special days and acknowledges them.
I have some great friends <3