Saturday, July 14, 2012

Three Months

The days leading up to this day have been really bad. I've felt this day coming, like a heavy thick cloud. It's almost the 14th - he should be three months old. Oh my poor heart. It just keeps on beating, even with a huge chunk missing. Yesterday, I freaked out on Bryan and nearly lost my mind. Sometimes the emotions are just so strong. I didn't want to make it to today. I never wanted to say "it's been three months since our baby died". Time just keeps moving on...

Since the wait list for Molly Bears is SO long, I decided to make my own "Samuel Bunny". I found a really cute bunny online and then made some alterations to it. Now, it weighs 4lbs, 8oz, just like my real bunny did. It's nice to hold when I'm really missing him. Maybe I'll become that crazy person who carries around a stuffed bunny and calls it "my baby". Would any of you really judge me? So what if I push it around in a stroller and dress it in clothes and wear it in a sling while at Target? (I'm kidding. But just by chance, if you happen upon a woman with a stuffed bunny in a front pack, just smile and move on...)


I just miss him so much!

I'm finding myself so heartbroken when I see other people with babies. It's so unfair! It hurts me to my core. That should be me! I did everything they did; why do they get to snuggle their sweet ones, while I just sit and cry? Why?? I hate it! I can't be around anyone with a baby (except for the few people who I'm closest too). That pretty much leave me alone all the time. I've had to "unsubscribe" from almost all my friends on FB because they are always talking about babies and pregnancy and such and it rips my broken heart every time. Now, I have 4 people I get notifications from. What a sad world. For some unknown reason, I'm on the outside looking in. I can't be a part of the group. I'll always be "that one".

Oh, I miss him so much!


To my sweet baby, Samuel, 
We miss you, bunny! We can't believe it's been three months already.. even one month felt too long. We wonder all the time what you'd be up to now...maybe picking your head up during tummy time? Maybe thinking about rolling over? I know we're missing out on some amazing times. What's it like in heaven? We wonder if you're a little guy still, or a big one. Do you play all day long? What's your favorite thing to do? I hope great-grandma's aren't spoiling you too much! I bet you have lots of friends to play with. We can't wait to see you again, bunny. Sometimes, when we consider how long we may have to be without you, we can't believe we're going to make it that long! Mama can't wait to hold you and kiss you and love you, forever! That will be the best day!! We love you, Samuel. More than you could ever know! xoxo,
Mama and Daddy <3 


On a side - but important note -

Thank you so much, Amy, for sending us a card and gift. It means a lot that people are still caring for us when others have moved on.

Thank you so much, Jaimi, for the text today. I can't tell you how much it means to have a friend who remembers his special days and acknowledges them.

I have some great friends <3


  1. (((hugs))) losing a child is devastating and for me it always will be. I have three babies in Heaven, one being the twin of my rainbow baby Logan. I have never had a pregnancy that did not involve loss. So heartbreaking. I am so very sorry for your loss of your sweet bunny, your stuffed bunny is precious beyond words. Your post made me cry. I remember the raw moments, i still have those moments sometimes to be honest. You can't rush grief and blocking FB friends if necessary is fine (did it myself). I had a friend who's son was born ON my first angels due date. I STILL can't handle seeing him (nearly 2 years later) - it breaks my heart. mUCH MUCH LOVE TO YOU! (((HUGS)))

  2. I think around 3 months was almost worse then the numbness and disbelief at the beginning of my grief journey. It was when it finally sunk in that my baby was real and I'll never get to raise him or hug him in this life time. Take your time with your grief. Feel it. Write about it. It does begin to get better. You find a new normal, but it takes so much time. Little things can bring it right back to rawness again. My boy has been in heaven almost 18 months now and I still cry for the little guy I never got to know outside my womb.

  3. I just want to say I didn't mean to be overly sad in that comment. I want to let you know that you WILL smile again, you WILL have happy moments and THAT IS OKAY! Samuel would want you to enjoy your life as much as you can! You will ALWAYS miss him and love him but life will move on and your grief will change over time. That is all normal - all okay - my email is listed on my blog if you ever need someone to talk to or vent to. It is hard to not have people in real life to speak with but the blogging community really really helped me get through the past years and will in the years to come <3

  4. I love your Samuel Bunny! And I don't think it is weird to carry around wherever you are, whenever you want and for as long as it feels good. I think your bunny will feel good to hug tomorrow and years from now.

    A few months out from my son dying, my counselor reminded me that the grief was still so raw and yet the shock of it all was wearing off and that was such a hard place to be. Now, she continues to remind me (as do other baby loss bloggers) that my grief is normal.

    Keep trudging along and loving your boy!

  5. I slept with a bear for almost the entire first year. I also put one of my son's outfits on it. It gave me something to squeeze and I also thought about taking it to the store. 3 months is hard, so very hard. This grief it hurts, it changes who you are forever. I am sorry your Samuel is not in your arms.

  6. I came here from Angela's "Little Bird." Your sweet, beautiful Samuel SHOULD be here with you, and it is simply unfair that he is not. It is completely OK that you are NOT "OK" three months out. How could you be? Thinking of you, and wishing you peace.

  7. Hi from "little bird". You are just 3 weeks behind me in this journey. I remember our 3 month mark very clearly. It was a really hard time for us too. I still have days where I just lose it and still have nights when I cry myself to sleep clinging to his blanket. I have been able to find happiness again though on some days. We are approaching our due date in 2 weeks and I feel sick anytime I think about it. You dont have to "get over it" or "move on". So glad
    You have friends coming alongside you. Praying for you and your sweet family.

  8. I found my way to your blog from Angela (Little Bird). I just wanted to let you know that everything you are feeling is completely normal. There is no time line for grief. I'm 32 months in and some days it feels like yesterday.

    I'll be praying for you and I can't wait to read about your sweet Samuel (I can already tell ya that I'm a bit partial to him - Samuel was my son's first name too!)

  9. Visiting from Angela's as well...I lost my first son three years ago in November. Three months after, I was attempting another frozen embryo transfer (I've suffered infertility for 13 years...IVF brought us Matthew and 41 weeks later, he died the day after he was born).

    I could not believe the surreality of it all. I was devastated still...and like others have said, the shock of the reality sort of wore off and the jagged pain of my life at that time was just so sharp at 3 months...and there I was trying to get pregnant again with everyone and their uncle telling me "Be positive!"....were they NUTS? I didn't get pregnant that time, but a month and a half later, we did...and people said, "It must be easier now that you are pregnant again." WHAT????? No, a thousand times harder.
    I just lost our third son (my second is 18 months—and though we call him by his middle name, Luke, he is Samuel Luke <3) three months and 8 days ago. He was 12w2d, and perfect...there is no reason I miscarried and people tell me, "Well, this couldn't be like losing Matthew...this wasn't really a baby like Matthew was." Ignorant. Trey (we named him Alexander Trey) was sucking his thumb on ultrasound a week before we lost him. People are just ignorant. And yet...I just got a negative on another FET July 9—yep, less than three months after losing another baby boy, trying to get pregnant again and hearing the same things...that it will all be better if I get pregnant again.

    Lies. Luke has been the most healing thing in the entire world, but it seems as you are a believer and you know it will never be ok until we are Home with our children.

    We will survive...and be happy, even...but it will NEVER be 'ok' until we are Home with them.

    Not tomorrow. Not three months from now. Not seven months from now. Not three years from now. Not thirty-three years from now. Not until He calls us Home and there are no more tears and we are reunited with our loved ones.

    That said...feel no need to fit into any conformity that you feel may exist on where you should be in grief. There is no particular place but where you are.

    And you are not alone.
    Praying for you and your precious heart.

  10. Angela said you needed a little comforting right now. First, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. All I could think when I read your story was WOW you are functioning and it's only been 3 mos. I was a blur at least until 6 mos. I don't remember much of anything, I sat around, my hubby went back to work out of town and there I was all day and all night with my thoughts. Finally I joined a local support group and began healing some. It takes a long time. Don't feel like you have to rush yourself along. To do it properly it needs to be done at your own pace. Some people have different support systems or even different life situations that may have "prepared" them (as much as one can be) for something like this. You can't compare yourself to other BLMs. Take it slow and steady and never forget, you are not alone. I'll be praying for you!!

  11. I stopped in from Angela's blog. I'm so sorry you have to live without your sweet Samuel. 3 months is such a short time and I remember how hard that was when it seemed everyone expected me to move on. Take your time with grieving, there is no schedule. Just love your little boy and take care of yourself and let the rest of the world worry about itself for awhile. Take care, momma.


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