Monday, April 30, 2012

Nothing left

All that I could do for Samuel has been done. There is nothing left to say, nothing left to make, nothing left to plan. It's all done. Now, there is nothing more to do but go forward. That makes me sick. I poured my life into him for eight months. My almost every thought was about him. My every plan involved him. Now it's all gone. I try to think of things to do and they are all meaningless. What on earth is the point? I can't think of a single thing to do that seems worthwhile. It feels as though all control of my life has been taken from me.

All I wanted was a baby. All I wanted was a family.  All I wanted was a normal pregnancy, a normal time of preparing for him and celebrating his coming. All I wanted was a natural and uneventful birth. All I wanted was to bring my baby home and spend the rest of my life loving him. All that was taken from me. From the moment we learned he was sick, all my plans were ruined. Every day I had to decide to be positive. Every day I had to purposefully block out the thoughts of "what if he doesn't live?" I prayed and begged for my sons life for hours on end, every day, for months. I believed with my whole heart that God was going to heal him and use his life to changes the lives of others. I guess I was wrong about the healing (on earth, anyways). God never did say to me that He would let us keep Samuel. So, I guess it's my fault for believing He would.

There are so many emotions flowing through me. There is a deep and unending love for Bryan and Samuel. When I think of how great Bryan was with Samuel, I love him so much! He is such a great daddy! As I look at the pictures of him holding and cuddling Samuel, my heart breaks that he doesn't get to continue being an amazing daddy to him.

When I see pictures of Samuel, I die inside that I can't hold him or touch him or hear him or smell him. I keep thinking maybe I'll wake up and this will all be a nightmare. There is nothing I can say and nothing I can do to bring him back. It's done and I hate it.

I think of how someday I'll be ok with this and that thought makes me sick too. I don't want to be ok without him. I don't want to live a life where my baby is dead. I try to imagine life in a year and I can't. Everyone else just keeps on living. Everyone feels bad for us and offers support, but they don't know. I will never be without this. I will never ever forget this. I will never ever stop wondering what he would have looked like as he grew. What his personality would have been like. What he would have done in life. These will be unanswered questions until I die.

I feel so broken. It goes through my head a least a few times a day that we must be defective for this to have happened. I think of everyone else in the world with there kids and I think "what on earth is wrong with us?"  They can tell us all day long that it was a fluke, but I don't buy it. (And I would guess that other people wonder the same thing about us.) If it was a fluke, then why us. We wanted him more than anything. So why us?

Despite my strange feelings towards Him right now, I know God is with us. How do I know this? Because I can get up everyday. Because I can take a shower and get dressed. Because I can love Bryan and want to keep going for him. Because He continually meets our needs. Because, despite all my pain, I can feel peace that my baby is safe and happy. Sometimes, I find myself thinking of a praise song and the words won't leave my mind. I think "NO! I will not sing this!" or "How can you expect me to praise you God?" But they won't go away, so I give in, and God gives me peace. He had not left us and I know He hurts with us. But He knows the whole story. He knows the "why". Maybe someday He'll tell me.

Now, back to trying to make it though the day...

No comments:

Post a Comment

Only comments of love and encouragement are welcome. All others will be ignored.