As I sit here to write I take note of my situation: body cut open, bleeding, hurting, covered in black and blue marks from IV attempts, eyes swollen from crying, arms empty, and heart broken. I'm so utterly at a loss as to where to go from here. Nothing has any meaning. What's the point of doing anything. I just sit here, missing my love, and wondering if I can just will my heart to stop beating. Earlier today, my milk came in. It's just another horrible and painful reminder that Samuel should be here with me. This afternoon, the tornado sirens sounded. I actually thought to myself "Good, maybe I'll get to go be with Samuel."
I know God is with us but I'm so hurt. I said before if He doesn't heal Samuel, He is going to have to explain it to me. So God, now's the time. How can I trust what you say is true if you didn't heal him? I know in my heart You are who You say You are. I have confidence that Samuel is with You and full of joy. But I wonder: What did I do that I have to stay here without him? How am I suppose to live out my life missing him?
It's a weird balance between being happy that Samuel is perfect and with Jesus; I will never have to worry about him, and the overwhelming sadness of not being allowed to raise him or see him grow. Since heaven is the place we are all working towards anyway, I should be joyful that he got to go straight there and never feel even a moment of the pain we all experience in life. In a way, I can be thankful for that. I guess I just wish I could go too.
I think about the next few weeks and months and ask myself, "What on earth am I suppose to do?" My life has been completely filled with Samuel. Every day I would talk to him and sing to him and read to him. I would tell him what I was doing and what our plans were and what we would do when he got here. All day, every day, he was my focus. Now, he's gone. I don't get to say "Good morning, my love!" when I get out of bed. I don't get to feel him wiggle and squirm as he listened during daddy's nightly stories. It's all gone. All that's left is me: completely broken.
Once again, I'm so thankful for the love and support of Bryan. He is the only way I'll keep going. I love him and I know his strength will get me through. Somehow, someway, we will be ok again.
God, we need Your peace. Please take care of our precious Samuel. Show him our love. Please, Lord, give us the strength to keep going. Help me to know what to do with my life now. Thank you for never leaving us.