Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Here we go again.

Today was another ultrasound appointment. I can't begin to explain how anxious I felt last night and this morning. There really is nothing to compare it to. Every time I go in, I have to bring with me all the things I would need if I were to be induced. I have to prepare myself for delivering him and saying goodbye. It's something no one should ever have to do.But I do it. I pack my bag, I get his blanket, books and stuffed dog and I climb into the car for the 2 hour ride. What else can I do but face it?

We arrived at 1:15pm and the Doctor brought us into the exam room. "God, help me do this!" is all I could think as he lifted the scanner up to take a look. Bryan was standing by my side and the screen was turned from us. "He is still with us" is what the Doctor told us. "Would you like to hear the heartbeat?"  We did and it was a beautiful sound. We love little glimpses into his world. I immediately felt a sense of peace; we would be able to spend Christmas with our precious little guy!

The emotions of these appointments are many and complicated. There is such a wave of relief/hope/joy when we know he is still alive! But, immediately following it is a wave of sadness as we realize we still don't get to keep him. While his heart is still beating, nothing has improved. In fact, his kidneys are now not even producing. The "good" (what's the word for better than the horrible alternative??) news is that because of them no longer working, his bladder is not filling anymore and is unlikely to rupture. So I guess that's one less thing for me to worry about. His heart is still under stress and his amniotic fluid is now mostly gone. It's hard to experience a sense of hope, only to have it dashed so quickly. Sadly, the beating of his heart doesn't mean the healing of his body.

After our meeting with the Doctor, we were sent to meet with a social worker. She was very kind and encouraging. It was helpful to know that yet another person is working for us/with us.

As we left for home, we both felt calm. At least we get a little more time! We were anticipating a Christmas filled with pain and sorrow, but now we can try to make some effort for normalcy. This is the one Christmas we get to spend with Samuel on earth, and we want him to know the love and joy of the day. We will do our best to share it with him.

Thank you all for your continued support and encouragement.

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