I hate this

I hate that I'll never be the same again. I hate that no matter what happens in life, I'll always be missing my little Samuel. I hate that if we decide to have other kids, I'll have to wonder if they'll have the same condition, if they'll die, if they'll be born ok. I hate that I can't just enjoy a pregnancy ever again. I hate that any other children we have will have to live without their brother. I hate that if we want another baby people will think we're trying to replace him. I hate that any other baby we would have would get all of the things Samuel should have gotten. I hate that this happened. I hate that I have to learn how to live again. I hate that all we wanted was a family and this nightmare is what we got. I hate that I never get to hold my little Samuel in this life again. I hate that so many people just decide to have a family, get pregnant, have their baby and live happily ever after without ever even considering how amazing it is that their baby is healthy. I hate that every day perfectly healthy babies are killed because their moms aren't ready for them. I hate that I have to stay here while my baby is in heaven. I hate that Bryan doesn't get his son. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that every day I ask myself what I did to cause this. I hate that I have to wonder what I can and can't believe in the Bible. I hate that I have to wonder why God didn't step in to save Samuel...it would have been so easy for Him. I hate that when I have a few "okay" hours I feel like I must not have loved him enough. 

I hate this.

How did this happen?

A new normal

Yesterday was a day of healing for me. A few days ago, I had this desire for a bit of normalcy (is there such a thing now?) I just wanted to feel like a real person again; to do something fun. I know that part of the grieving process is to find a "new normal". Things will never be as they once were; there is no going back. We will always be without Samuel. The challenge for us now is to figure out what life will be like going forward (easier said than done). I asked my sister if she would be willing to have me and some friends over to her house for a little "girls night". Nothing big. Just some friends, some good food and some good conversation. When I thought of it, it sounded so nice to get out of the house, to be around people who care about me. After she readily agreed and began making the plans, I had some doubts. Maybe people will think I don't love Samuel enough if I'm ready to have a night out... Maybe if I don't think about him all night I'll forget something about him... Does having fun mean I'm over grieving him? Just the thought of being "over him" made me so heartsick! I love Samuel so very much! I miss him all day every day. I would still give anything to have him back. But he's not coming back. He's safe and sound with Jesus and I'm left here to try to figure out my "new normal". A few times I thought of ways I could "get out" of my plans. But I still wanted to try so I kept them.

Yesterday afternoon, I got in the car and drove up to the cities. Since I don't get up there much, I tried to fill my time with many things I wanted to do while I was up there. My first stop was to visit my friend Traci who just had her baby boy a few days after Samuel. She is one of my favorite people and I've been missing her and really wanted to meet her son. I wondered if it was going to be hard to see him. I also wondered how it would feel to hold him. When I got there, I looked at her handsome little boy and felt ok. I can be happy for her because I know how much she cares about me. I know how much she hurts for me and how unfair she finds the situation. That allows me to feel safe with her and happy for her son. I got to hold him and snuggle with him. It was really nice. I had a moment of wishing I could do the same with Samuel, but it passed and I focused on enjoying the time of talking with a good friend and being happy for her.

After I left Traci, I met Jaimi and we went to get a pedicure. Another thing I'd been thinking about for a while was doing something nice for myself - such a a massage or pedicure - to have a moment of pampering and relaxation. Because my body is still healing from the c-section, a massage was out. So we decided to get a pedicure. Again, I wondered: does me doing something for myself mean I'm not loving Samuel enough? Does it say to people "I'm over him"? (There is much guilt in tying to find a new normal.) Again, I pushed the negative thoughts out and kept with my plans. I DO love Samuel! Nothing can change that. Again, it was so nice to be around a good friend and do something regular and "normal". We sat in our massaging chairs with out feet in the warm, bubbly water and it felt so nice. It's ok to do something nice for yourself, even in times of grief. (Maybe especially in times of grief.) We talked for a while, she looked at the photo book I have of Samuel, and then we headed over to Angi's (my sister who was hosting) house.

As I arrived, my immediate feeling was "oh no, what have I done...this is going to be bad". I thought this because I didn't know how to act. Should I be mopey and sad? Should I smile and be happy? Nothing felt right. I chose to just let the emotions I was feeling show. Everyone there knew about Samuel. It was going to be ok. Another good friend of mine, Adrienne, went in with Jaimi to surprise me with an "Edible Arrangement" (a bouquet of fruit, shaped like flowers). I've always wanted one! They are good friends to not only remember that I've always wanted one, but to get me it too!

As we all sat down to talk and eat, I felt good. It was nice to feel "normal" for a night! I didn't have to sit around feeling sad for myself that Samuel is gone. I didn't have to miss him terribly all night. I could have lots of  love for him in my heart and talk to friends about life and be ok. It didn't for one moment mean I don't miss him or love him. That felt so good. 

As the night progressed, we began to talk about Samuel and everything that happened. Everyone was able to ask me questions and listen as I told them what it was like. It was so good! I like to talk about him. I love to hear other people say his name and ask me about him. I liked knowing people wanted to hear about him. I like people asking me how I feel about things and what it's been like for me to go thought this whole situation of his sickness and death. The questions were good and overall the conversation was very healing for me. I got to say out loud how I was feeling and what I thought. I was so glad they asked!

Around midnight, when Bryan texted me to say "are you ok?" (I had told him I would probably be home at that time...oops!) we finally said "goodnight" and I left.

As I drove home, I felt so good. It felt so nice to feel happy! I realized something important. I have so many different roles in life. I'm a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, an auntie, a friend, etc. For so long, almost all my focus has been on being a mom. I almost forgot that I can be those other things too! Being one or the other doesn't negate the others. I can be a friend and a woman who needs time to herself and it's okay. It doesn't for one second make me less of a loving mother or less of a person who is grieving her son's death. It doesn't mean I love Samuel any less or that I've "moved on". It means that I needed a break. I needed to feel "normal" for a night. I came home, kissed Bryan and went to bed. I actually fell asleep quickly for a change! I woke up feeling the same amount of "Ok". I have so much love for Samuel in my heart. I miss him so deeply. I will always miss him until the day I get to see him again. I will still hurt for him and for me and Bryan, and I will still grieve that he's gone for now. Last night gave me what I needed: a break from the pain. A bit of the new normal. I'm so thankful for good friends!

*As I was finishing writing this, a package was dropped off at out door. It was a gift box with a note: "Because we know you've been feeling blue...here's some sunshine just for you!". It's a box full of yellow, fun things and treats. It's from some friends at our church. I'm so thankful that people care about us and that God puts people in our lives to show us His love. (And what a great idea for a gift!)

I'm not alright

Every morning with my very first thought, I think of Samuel. All day long, he is on my mind. Every night, with my last thought of the day, I think of Samuel. Sometimes it hurts so bad I just want to not think about anything at all. My brain is trying to make sense of something that is senseless. I lie in bed, every moment of his life,  birth and death running though my head. All the "what if's" and "should have's" trying their best to infiltrate my thinking. I can't go down that road. What's done is done. I hate it. How can my heart feel so empty and heavy at the same time? I hate that with each day I'm moving farther and farther away from the time I had with him. He will always be in my heart, but that's not enough. All I want is my baby. I hate that I have no choice but to carry on. What else can I do? I'm not alright, I'm broken inside.

One Month

My baby should be one month old today. I can't believe he's not here. My heart is aching to be with him. How on earth did all this happen? I wonder: would he be smiling? I wish I could see him smile.

Yesterday was my first Mother's Day. I had been dreading the day. I was so worried that no one would say "Happy Mother's Day" to me. I am a mother. I can't help it that my baby is not with me. That was not my choice. I thought of all the women who hurt on Mother's day. There are so many women who are mamas without babies. The day is supposed to be the day to honor the work of motherhood. And that's awesome...it is a lot of work! But for so many women, it's a day to remind them of what's missing. I know that's not the intention, but I know it's a day of a lot of pain and sadness for many women. Now, it is for me too. How do you celebrate being a mom if you can't have your baby? Are you still a mother even if you don't have the baby you so desperately want? I think so! There are plenty of women with babies who are not mothers and plenty of women without babies who are. I believe it's all a matter of their heart.

Everything is so backwards in our lives. How did it happen that the time that should be filled with so much joy is the time of so much heartbreak? Bryan said it and I agree: nothing in life feels right.

Bryan did his best for me yesterday. He made me breakfast and then we talked about Samuel. We looked at photos and watched the video of him. I tried to focus on the time I had with Samuel; just being his mama. I remembered singing to him, reading to him and rocking with him. I remembered how I would talk to him and he would kick in response. Those are the best moments of my life.

Some dear friends and family members called/texted/emailed to share their love for us. It helped. The messages were all the same idea: it shouldn't be this way...he should be here with us.

I remembered this song:

This is not how is should be...
this is not how it could be...
but this is how it is
and our God is in control. 

This is not how it will be. I need to keep my focus on this the most. This is not how it will be. When I am back with Samuel, all of the pain will be gone forever. I just need to somehow make it to that day. 
 

While I was pregnant, we started a small garden on the side of our house. Since Samuel was still with us at it's creation, we decided to make it his garden now. So yesterday we went to get flowers for his garden. While we were at the store, I made the mistake of looking around at people. So many happy moms with their babies. Why not me? I just don't understand. (This is why I don't go anywhere unless I have to). While we were waiting to check out, I looked in the cart next to us. I saw a baby carrier with a tiny little newborn foot poking out. That should be us. We should be the family with the tiny new baby. But we're not. We're the family with broken dreams and broken hearts, buying flowers to remember our lost love. It's all we have. I hate it.

I miss my Samuel...

(Here is his garden. It's blue and yellow flowers. I'll take another photo when they bloom. )

________________________________________________________________

I found this interview with the Chapman family yesterday. There is some good information about grieving so I thought I'd share. I can identify so much with the mother's words: "I don't care who's lives are changed, I want Maria back." It's not about being uncaring towards others. It's about not wanting to trade your baby for the encouragement of others. When people tell me how Samuel has changed their lives, my first thought is "I don't care... I just want my baby back". But since the outcome is set, then I guess it's good to know that at least he has made a difference.

What the daughter says is also so true: it's like a winding road and you don't know what's around each turn. Sometimes you can be okay, then only moments later, you're not at all okay. My heart breaks for their family.

Bryan

Everyone knows men and woman deal with things differently. It's nothing new. For me, I like to think of it not as a "man vs. woman" issue, but as a "every person is unique" issue. I don't like when people say things like "Bryan probably feels..." and then fill in the blank with some comment about how men don't grieve the same and that's ok. I know Bryan more than most - probably better than anyone else - and so I'm not looking for other people to tell me how he is going to react to Samuel's death. I'm looking to him to show me how he is going to react. Here is what I know so far: Bryan was such an amazing father to Samuel. He was put in a horrible situation. He had to be both a father and a mother to Samuel during those hours after he was born and I couldn't be with them. He had to do for me what I could not do. Talk to him, hold his hand, comfort him and caress his head. He never left his side. In Rochester, he would bathe him, dress him, snuggle with him, memorize him...all the things I wished I could do in that moment. He did it all with attentiveness, gentleness and so much love. As I watched him on Skype that night, I fell in love with him all over again. I'm not sure how many other brand-new dads would have been able to give so much of themselves in that moment, but I do know Bryan did it wonderfully. And I know he is missing his little boy.

Since Samuel died, our relationship has been strong but weird. I know Bryan was hurting so much just like me. But I also know he wants to be strong and keep going. In moments of stress, I would look at him and wonder: does he really feel the same way I do? Does he still love me and want to be with me? Has his opinion of our life changed? All these and more questions would run through my mind. I also wondered if he was getting the support he needed. (This is one of those times when the stereotypes are true: his guy-friends don't reach out to him in friendship the way my girl-friends do to me.)

Last night, for the first time in three weeks, we sat down and talked. Really, really talked. We've had conversations but last night we looked each other in the eyes and asked the hard questions we both have been wondering. Things like: What do we do now? How do we keep going? How are we feeling about everything? and so on. There were both tears and moments of laughter. We both realized we had been wondering some of the same things about each other. (Apparently, we both had dreamed that the other person left...how crazy!) It was a time of connection, acknowledgement, and a reminder of our commitment to each other. Oh, how I needed that! Sometimes even I forget that you just have to talk. Ask questions and wait for the answer.

We are both broken and bruised. In some ways the same and in others different. We both made a commitment to love and cherish one another no matter what came in life. I'm so completely thankful for his love and dedication to me. I know in my heart he will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage strong. Even in this time of horrible sadness, he will love me and protect me. Many days, it's only because I love him that I can keep moving forward. It's because I could never ever hurt him that I don't just run away and hide or lay down and die. We can get through the worst of this pain together. Last night confirmed it.

When Samuel died, we both died a little with him. Together, somehow and someway, we will carry on. I will love both of my boys for the rest of my life.<3

A knife to my heart

Last night, as I lay in bed, I cried out to God. God, I don't even know what to ask for. I just need help. Please, Lord, help me to feel ok enough to get to a better place. Please God! After a while, the song I sang to Samuel came into my mind and I just started singing it. (It was a little song I made up for him. It's his and my song so I'm not going to share it - I don't even think Bryan knows it...) I remembered the times I would sit and sing to Samuel. I pictured him listening to it and feeling secure. It gave me some peace. I couldn't sleep, so I got up and took a shower. I use to sing to Samuel in the shower too. I decided to just sing to him again. (Maybe God would let him hear?) While Bryan slept upstairs, I just sang and sang to my little baby. I felt a sense of peace again. Thank you, God!

This morning, when I woke up, I didn't have the same overwhelming heaviness I've had for the past few days. With Samuel's song still in my head, I got up and actually did some things around the house. I even made Bryan lunch! While I won't say I was happy by any means, I just felt less burdened and more able to function than I have for the last few days. Then, it happened.

I had spent some time this morning sending notes to some people on Facebook, to thank them for the ways they have helped us in the past few weeks (I was going to send actual notes in the mail but the thought of buying cards, writing them out, addressing them and mailing them was just way too much right now. Plus, the words are what count). I've been meaning to do it for a while, but it had just felt too tiring before today. If people replied, I get a message on my phone. One of these messages was from a family member. In the last part of the message, she told me she was pregnant. That sentence was like a knife right to my heart. All the "okay-ness" of the morning was gone instantly. God, this is so wrong! I had to get outta there so I went outside to our backyard (maybe fresh air will help me process this better...) It didn't. I sat outside, sobbing and trying to make sense of it all. Samuel was suppose to be the family baby right now. Samuel was suppose to get all the coos and ogling and attention. He should have been the center of all their love right now. But he doesn't get any of it. Instead, this baby will get it all. It burns me to my core that all this was stolen from my baby. And it hurt so deeply because it felt like she was bragging..."you couldn't keep your baby, but I'm going to keep mine" (I know, it doesn't make sense and I believe she did not at all mean it that way...but it's how I was feeling.) I just can't imagine how someone so sweet and dear could possibly think now was the time to tell me this news. I sobbed for a while, then I realized I needed help. I called a friend and somehow choked out that I needed her. She came right over and helped me get it all out. After a while, I calmed down. She left, Bryan came home and we ate dinner. Bryan summed it up nicely when I told him about the news. "It's just not fair". (He has a way of getting right to the point.) He's right. It's not that we won't love our new little niece or nephew. And we know this person would never ever want us to hurt. But it's just so unfair. And that hurts so deeply.

It's so crazy to me all the things people do without considering how it will affect us. Let me help: if you are expecting a baby - I don't want to know. I can't possibly be happy for you right now. (The only exception to this is a friend who lost a baby a while back who is now expecting again. I can be happy for her because she knows). If you are super happy because you have a new baby and want to share him or her with me - don't. I can't be happy for you right now. If you know someone who is pregnant or just had a baby - don't tell me. I won't think it's great. I won't be happy for them. My baby died three weeks ago. My life ended in many ways on that day. I can't be happy for anyone for any reason right now. I just don't care and hearing about others happiness kills me because I wonder why I didn't get the same outcome. You just can't imagine what this feels like unless you've been though it. There are only a handful of people I care about right now, and if you're one of them, you'll know.I know how horrible this sounds, but it's just how I'm feeling right now. If someone husband dies would you tell them about your super romantic weekend getaway with your spouse? NO. So why tell a mommy who just lost her baby about your baby? It's the same concept.

One more bit of advice. If the words "I probably shouldn't say this" proceed what you're about to say, don't say it. Or if you think what your about to say will be the "thing" to help me get over this, it won't be. The only way you can help me now is to just let me know you're thinking of me. (A sweet friend did this very thing today). If you want to help, ask me what I need.  No one can take this from us, and we will never, ever, "get over it." We will live missing Samuel for the rest of our lives. 

Once again I ask myself: Where can I go? Where can I run to? Again I remember: there is no escape.

*As I read back over what I just wrote I feel bad. I love people and I do care about them. I hate that other's good news brings me so much pain. God, help me to love other people like I should. Help me to be happy for them in times of joy.  I know with all my heart this person would never, ever want to hurt us. I'm going to try to be excited for my new little niece or nephew.

Held

Today has been such a crazy day of emotions. I'm starting to feel as though I'm losing control of them. Up and down, back and forth, round and round. I need to get a grip.

After my anger-fest this afternoon and my crying out to God for doing this to me, I remembered a sermon I heard a few years back. I really needed to hear it again today to get some perspective.

Why do we have such a wrong image of God? God is love. That's all. God did NOT cause Samuel to die. He is crying right along with me. He is faithful and will hold me as I try to cope. Why am I wasting my life with hurt and anger directed at Him? Why are Christians so quick to try to explain situations with words like "it's God's plan" or "God knows what He's doing." God did not do this. God is love...everlasting, unfailing, perfect love. If I can keep my focus on that, I can be ok. Samuel is so fortunate to only know of that love. He never ever has to know the pain of thinking God has turned against him.

Please take the time to listen. I believe this is the truth.

http://whchurch.org/blog/1576/held