To Run or Not to Run...

Lots going on lately... mainly just missing my sweet baby <3.

The past few days I've been working on finding help. I made an appointment with a new counselor for next week (fingers crossed she is helpful!), Bryan and I attended both a GriefShare meeting (a general grief support group) and a Missing GRACE infant loss support group. The grief share meeting was useful, but since we are the only couple who has lost a baby, it's not quite as specific as we'd like. Mostly, it's people who have lost a spouse or parent. While the pain of grief is real (and terrible) for those losses, there is something unique about losing a brand new life that I'm not sure is entirely comparable to someone who lost a 98 year old parent (still hard, but very different). The reason we went is that Mankato does not currently have a babyloss support group. It was grief share or nothing. I think we'll just take it session by session and see if we want to keep going.

The Missing GRACE support group was really good! We would for sure attend regularly but it's 2 hours away. So, we'll just go when we can. (Have I mentioned how much Mankato sucks when it comes to being useful??) It was really helpful to be around people who are going through the same things we are. I wish we didn't live so far away...

We also got the autopsy results back. We really learned nothing new. The cause of death is just what we had been told, PUV. His lungs were underdeveloped as well. (My poor sweet little guy...) Our doctor was out of town, so the doctor that called us with the results was none-other-than the doctor who I did NOT like from the original ultrasound (remember her? Miss "I'm seeing something concerning".) How crazy that it all started and ended with her. Oh well. (During the conversation she kept saying "baby" so I said, "his name is Samuel". "Oh, ok... well the baby..." she just didn't get it.) They also confirmed that it was not a genetic condition. (well what the heck was it?????) She recommended we set up a genetic counseling appointment. (Me to uncaring Dr, "I'm confused. If it's not genetic, how would going to a genetic counseling appointment help?" Uncaring Dr, "it's to give you peace of mind". Me, again, "how would we have peace of mind going to a genetic counselor if this condition is not genetic?" Uncaring Dr, "it just will help ease your mind". OK...whatever...we'll go.) Hopefully we don't ever have to talk to her again. We're going to meet with the genetic counselor (you know, the one who will ease our minds - blah) next month. (Nothing makes you feel like a mutant more that needed to see a genetic counselor - I feel like we should go the appointment with humps on our back, drooling, and dragging a gimp leg).

A couple days ago, my sister-in-law, Angi, texted me to ask if we'd like her to organize a Baby Samuel team for the upcoming Hope & Hearts Run (put on by Missing GRACE). A team is created to honor the life of a baby who died as a result of miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. The team raises money for the cause, walks/runs in memory of the baby, and basically supports the family as they remember their loved one gone to soon. The event is a day full of remembering, banding together in support and working towards a goal. There is a ceremony at the end to read the names of the babies lost along with a balloon release. We were very touched she thought of us and we would love to attend.

There is just one problem...

The event is scheduled for the same day as a Children's Remembrance Celebration at the Mayo Clinic. We were invited to participate this year to remember and honor Samuel. There is a ceremony with a slide-show of every baby and child who died at the hospital this past year. There are also tables set up for you to show photos and memorabilia from your baby. There is a special service to honor the lives of all the babies and children. After the service, there is a tour of the hospital and I would be able to see the room where Samuel spent time with his daddy. (I have never been to that specific hospital).

We are torn. We really want to do both. Right now, we are leaning towards the Remembrance Celebration because it's so soon after his death and I never got to see the place he died. The remembrance celebration feels more appropriate for this time in our grief. It will probably be more of a sad day, but could provide some closure for me (seeing his room). The Run feels more hopeful and inspiring (which is a great thing!) but I'm not sure we're in that place yet. Since the Run takes place every year, we're thinking the Remembrance Celebration this year, then the run every year after that. I know we'll be in a better place a year from now. (It hurts my heart to think of being without him in a year <3).

Does anyone have any suggestion? We're open to advice on which would be the better event to attend. Ultimately, we'll make our own decision, but it's good to hear ideas for consideration.

So, I guess that's all for now. Big things happening, but nothing takes away the pain of missing my little Samuel day and night. Oh, how I miss him!