My life now

Sometimes during the day I have the thought,  "this is my life now". I will always be a mama without her first little love. I will always be missing him. I will never look at pregnancy the same again. I will always feel a sting when someone I know has their baby. I will never be the same again.

My life now is babyloss blogs and books about grief and support groups and talking endlessly about how much things suck. My life now is sadness and anger and confusion and hurting and missing him deeply. My life now is holding a stuffed bunny and crying while other people hold their babies. It's looking at the same photos over and over and over because they are all I will ever have. It's hearing someone say "we're expecting!" and thinking "we'll see". My life now is friends not knowing how to talk to me and mostly being alone. My life now is feeling overwhelmed to even think about making plans to do something. My life now is wondering how on earth this happened and knowing there is no answer. My life now is baby autopsy reports and appointments with genetic counselors. My life now is memorial ceremonies at the hospital and babyloss 5k runs. My life now is always being that person. It's a fully-furnished and brand-spanking-new-everything nursery that sits empty and collects only tears and dust. It's a days and nights that run together so I usually have no idea what day it is or even what time. It's pain and frustration and hurt. It's remembering him with so much love I think I'll burst. It's wondering what he'd be like. It's knowing I'll never get to know him in this life. It's knowing just how little control I have over what matters most.

This is my life now.

I hate my life now.