Samuel's Birthday Party

Yesterday was Samuel's party. The one for just family and super close friends.

I have been all over the place emotionally about it, and I really didn't know what on earth we could do that wouldn't feel overwhelmingly sad. I knew I wanted to have a table with his special things set up, a cake I'd made just for him, and a balloon release. I also knew I wanted to do a zoo animal theme, since that is where we probably would have taken him if he were here.

With those things in mind, I've spend the past month making notes about what to do and how to do it. I've been looking everywhere online for the perfect cake idea and found a few I decided to combine. (I took a few cake decorating cakes back in my old life). I decided to make a three-tier cake. Since the party was one week before his actual birthday - April 14th is his birthday - I decided to have the top tier be the "smash cake"and Bryan and I would save it to eat on his actual birthday.

Friday morning, I set to work. I knew the cakes would need to set and cool completely to be ready to finish for Sunday. By Saturday night, I had them all baked, cooled, set with supports and frosted. All I would need to do is stack them and do the finishing details. I wanted to do zoo animals, so I make some from a pinterest idea I saw. Personally, I think they are super cute:

I made icing that matched the colors of the animals. The bottom tier was blue with vertical stripes of all the other colors around it. The middle was yellow - plain, since the animals were the decorations going around - and the top cream with dots of all the colors. I had everything ready to go so that I could apply the animals, pipe the finishing borders and have it on the table just before the party. (I wanted it to look it's best).

We set up an extra table in our dining room, we decorated it and the windows behind it and we had everything ready to go Saturday night so there wouldn't be a lot of extra stress this morning.

Here is his special table with his animal balloons.

Last week, I went and printed out 200 of his photos and put them in order in a cute album so everyone could easily see them.

I found an adorable zoo toy on Ebay and it came just in time to be a darling table decoration.

I made a sign for him and we found super cute monkey to wear his birthday hat.

I made up a special label for our water bottles and my mom and dad affixed them for us. I love them! She even made a little bottle just for Samuel.

Yesterday morning, we took care of a few last minute details and then, at noon, I got out my cake to finish (the party started at 1pm). I got it all put together and it was so cute! I loved it! I turned around to put some things away and when I turned back I saw that it was falling. The bottom tier just wasn't  strong enough (I have no idea what I did wrong - I used wooden supports) and couldn't hold it self up. I watched in horror as it smashed out and fell. I quickly pulled off the top two tiers and did my best to salvage them, but it was too late for the bottom and middle ones. Thankfully, the top tier made it!! I pulled off the animals, washed off the extra icing and set them aside, then I grabbed my keys and flew out the door with 25 minutes to get to the store and find a ready-made cake. I can't believe after all my hard work that it fell. It was very disappointing. But I also am not really surprised. Nothing I do seems to work at all ever, so what else is new. (I'm also SO bummed out that I don't have any pictures of it. Such is my life...)

I called Bryan while I was driving and told him to hide the now ruined cake. It's now an ugly smashed mess in our freezer. I was able to have the baker quickly make me a simple cake and I rushed how to finish it. With the 5 minutes I had before everyone came, I put it together and piped on some hearts. Thankfully, my mom had made some adorable chocolate candies that helped me finish it. It turned out cute.

This is the top tier of the cake I made, that survived. We're going to have it on his actual birthday.

It wasn't what I had hoped and planned for, but I was as cute as it could be all things considered.

The party itself was good. We have some very wonderful friends and family who drove from hours away to be with us. It really meant a lot to us to have them there to remember him with us. (Thank you, Jaimi & Jeff and Traci & Dan for coming so far. We love you guys!!) We made burgers (remember, he loved cheeseburgers <3 ) and lots of other good things people brought to share. My dad made a super cute bunny out of a watermelon for the veggie tray and also a heart basket for fruit. I have no clue what's wrong with us, but we forgot to take a picture. I'll remember them.

We talked about him and other things and it was good. We ate his cake and then went to the park to release balloons.We decided to go to the park where Bryan and I used to take walks with Samuel. It's also the place we took our pregnancy photos. It's a place we went as a family. I know we would have spent a lot more time together there if life were different, so it seemed the right place to go. I pictured him in heaven, surrounded by his balloons, knowing how loved he is.

We got a big assortment of balloons. Happy Birthday ones, smiley ones, Elmo ones and even a truck! Everyone wrote notes to him on them before we sent them up.

One balloon got stuck. But it's actually cute. It's a smile. Now, when people are at the park, they'll see it. I like that <3.

We got some very special gifts. Bryan's parents gave us a gift of money to do something special with. I'll have to do some thinking of a way to spend it. My parents gave us a print of Jesus holding a baby to remind us that Samuel is safe in heaven. My siblings gave us a bunny bowl with yummy candy,  Traci gave me an absolutely beautiful locket to put a photo of Samuel in and wear to remember him, and Adrienne and Neil, who we're not able to make it, sent us a hand-made Samuel sign. It's over a foot long and a few inches high. It's really special <3

It's so beautiful! It's opal and I'll be able to put his photos inside. <3

Yesterday, I got the cutest little bracelet in the mail from Jaimi to wear on his special day. They also brought us a gift to open next week on his birthday. We sure to have some great friends.

Yesterday was a reminder that people care a lot about us and are remembering Samuel right along with us.  It was not at all how the day should have been, and I had some very heavy-hearted moments, but all in all, it was good. 

After everyone left, we cleaned up a bit and then both took a nap. Grief takes a lot out of you. 

I'm sitting here writing this and I'm sad that his cake didn't work. I'm sad that I was not thinking clearly enough to have someone take photos of things I wish I had. I'm sad I didn't take a photo of us with our friends. I'm sad we didn't take a picture of the entire table and the window all decorated. I guess my brain just can't do things well anymore. Oh well, I'll remember. (Thank goodness my siblings thought to take the photos they did!!)

I'm thankful for good friends and supportive family members. I'm really glad we decided to have this party. I'm also really glad we had it prior to his actual day, so I could hold it together. 

Mostly, overwhelmingly, I'm heartbroken he's not here. I wish things were different. I really miss my BIG boy <3.

This past weekend is the anniversary of the day I started labor last year. It's the beginning of the longest week of my life. The beginning of the end. It may be a very long week again. 

One more week. I can't believe it.

I sure do miss my sweet little guy<3

*Just a reminder, if you'd like to help us celebrate his birthday, you still can!  Everyone is welcome. Click HERE for information and to join in!

Birthday Balloons

A few weeks ago, I ordered some super cute balloons online for Samuel's birthday. We decided to have them filled for his party tomorrow, so I called around to find the best price for having them filled. We finally found out our local grocery store would be the best price. The only catch was that the woman who did the filling only worked until noon on Saturday and not at all on Sunday. No problem, we'd have them filled today.

We went to have them filled and while she worked, the woman and I chatted about how cute they are and where I got them online and such. She asked what it was for and I told her, "Our son's first birthday party". Of course that was followed by all the usual "Oh, how fun!" and "That'll be a great time" and such comments. I just smiled and agreed.

She was just about done when she said something about how much he's going to love them and I just broke down crying. Right there in the middle of the store with everyone watching and the poor woman staring at me. I tried to pull it together and I said, "Well, actually, our son died just after he was born. We're having more of a remembrance party than an actual birthday party. We're going to send these balloons up to him in heaven".

Right away she said, "That's terrible, I'm so sorry. This must be so hard for you". (The EXACT words to say).  I replied, "Yes, thank you, it's been a very hard year".

She gave a reassuring look and said, "I lost four of my babies before I had my son. And my niece and her husband lost their baby just after she was born. She had an undetected  heart condition."

She asked his name and I told her all about him. I showed her the book of photos I carry in my purse and she looked at every one of them.

We talk for a bit about how sad it is to lose a baby and how people don't talk about it, but it's happening all the time to so many people. She was wonderful. Very compassionate and caring.

As I thanked her for talking and being so kind, she picked up the slip with the sticker to pay for filling the balloons and said, "I'm not letting you pay for this." I protested but she ripped it up and threw it away. Then she gave me a big hug and said, "I hope you can have a special day tomorrow".

I thanked her and headed to the door. She walked behind me and handed me a beautiful white flower. "Something for you", and walked away.

I left with a feeling of validation and support. I can't tell you how much that means to me. 

I will never, ever forget this beautiful and compassionate woman; Bev from Cub Foods.


What a difference one person can make. 

The countdown

I can hear it in my head. Ten...nine...eight...

The countdown to his birthday. Today is 10 days out. Does that sound absolutely insane to you too? Or is it just me?

Whenever people count down to things, ten is when it starts getting intense. (Think: New Years/space shuttle liftoffs/etc).

The roller coaster of grief - you know the one I'm trapped on with no way off - has been really speeding up. Lots of new twists and turns, ups and downs.

Just like every other month, I can feel his birthday coming. My brain starts scanning for ways out of it, my heart starts looking for Samuel again and my soul starts undoing the treads that have been holding it together.

The "whys" and "should haves" pop up out of thin air once again to be left unanswered. 

It feels like something really big is about to happen. Not good, not bad...Big. Eventful. Momentous.

But what will it be? Nothing can change. He can't come back. He isn't coming back. If anyone on this earth knows that fact, it's me. He's gone.

So why do I feel such anxiety? What do I think is going to happen?

Maybe it's because so many people reference a year in relation to healing from grief. "Give them a year" and all that. Maybe it's because I can already tell that some people are trying to pull us back into a world we no longer feel apart of. Maybe it's because, somewhere inside me, I think I should only get a year too.

Maybe it's because I know that I have no choice. I can't die, I can't run, I can't pretend it didn't happen; there is no exit to this. I have to figure out how to live without him.

How do I move forward? How do I start over without really starting over? It's like the most nightmarish version of  the game "Sorry" ever. Right back to start with nothing to show for all my work and time. If we want to raise children, I have to start over from the begining. But instead of it being a fun and exciting thing, it will be a stressful and anxiety filled time of remembering trauma and begging a God I no longer understand to please, just let us keep this one.

I think sometimes people don't really understand just how horrible his labor was. Just how traumatizing it was for me. Just how agonizing it was.

To go back and do it again...I'm not sure I can try.

The other day, I read back through his birth story. I cried for me. For the first time, I stepped outside of it and looked from the outside. How on earth did this woman live through all that? A never-ending labor and then surgery and then her baby taken away before she could even hold him? This poor woman!!

Oh, wait, it was me.

I read through it and I can feel the memories of it all. I can feel the desperation after a few days. I can feel the agony. This is never going to end, ever. I can feel that. All the hospital visits, all the needles, all the " you're not actually in labor" comments while I breathed through a "non-contraction". All the, "he's just going to die anyways so we're not going to intervene" comments, and yet, still, a c-section. And, after the long hard road of months and months of "is he alive today" moments and "nothing has changed" and "we just know God is going to heal him" comments, I did it all and didn't even get to be with him. That's the one thing people who carry to term with a fatal diagnosis get: to spend time. For some unknown reason, I didn't get that either.
  
 I don't even know what he smells like. Do you know what that does to a person?

I do.

So here we are, ten days out. Ten days from what should have been, ten days out from what was. Ten days out from the start of missing out on his first year as a toddler. Steps, words, learning, growing, smiles, cuddles, tantrums, etc, etc, etc. Ten days from the day people will assume we're done. Ten days out from everything and nothing all at once.

How on earth has it been a year?

I sure do miss this guy.

What's in a Name?

Still Standing Magazine asked: what’s in a name? How do you decide? What is important to you, when it comes to naming our children?

Here is my response.

Finding the perfect name was very important to me. I believe a person's name can say a lot about who they are and what they'll do in life. It's important to me to give a name that holds meaning and shows value. I wanted a name that would stand the test of time. Names are first impressions.

Bryan and I had a list going. We had mostly boy names (I just knew he was a boy), and a couple girl names too.

When we found out he was sick, I felt this huge immediacy to name him as soon as possible. I wanted to call him by name and have everyone we knew do the same.

Suddenly, every name on our list wasn't good enough. I threw them all out. It was going to have to be much better than any name we already had. 

It came to us quickly: Samuel.

The traditional meaning of Samuel is "God Heard". It's because God heard Hannah's cries and gave her a baby. But that's not really why we wanted it. (Although we wanted God to hear our prayers for him!!)

Hannah cried out to God for her son. She deeply loved and wanted her baby, but she also wasn't able to keep him. She had to give him back.

That's why we wanted his name to be Samuel.

For us, it means: deeply loved and wanted, absolutely cherished, but unable to keep.

We knew we'd have to give our beautiful treasure back, so we named him Samuel.

For his middle name, we wanted something to demonstrate his might. We knew we had a battle ahead of us. We wanted him prepared.

Evan means, "Little Warrior". How fitting for our little guy who fought so hard to stay! He was a fighter and we're so very proud of him.

Samuel Evan Fredrickson, our loved and wanted little warrior <3

Don't tell me I can't be born alive! I've gotta meet my mama and daddy <3

The ugliness of some people

My heart is heavy and I'm worn out.


Why is the world such an ugly place? Why are people so ugly at heart? So selfish and cruel, so rude and uncaring?

I'm so ready to be done forever. I can't even tell you how much.

Two things are heavy on my mind: 
1. I read a note by Carly Marie earlier and it broke my heart. (For the one person reading this who doesn't know who she is, let me tell you). She is a loss mother who has dedicated her life and time to making gorgeous artwork for other hurting families. She creates beautiful things to honor lives lost. She touches hundreds of thousands of people with her work. She has an amazing website that I know has helped countless people who face a life without their baby(ies).

Here are some of the things she's made for Samuel:

She hand draws the butterflies on the beach near her home. She does it all in the name of her son, Christian, who died at birth.

This week, she has been harassed, called names, and verbally attacked by a large number of horrible people who are uncomfortable with grief and the death of babies. She wrote about it on her facebook page and when I read her words, my heart broke for her. She is one of the most beautiful and loving people I've ever encountered, someone who has lost her beautiful son and now has to live without him, and now she's having nasty comments thrown at her?

Who are the ugly people?

I simply can't handle any more of this nonsense. What kind of horrible world is this where hurting people are hurt over and over again by people who have no business making any comments at all? I'm absolutely fed up. I've had my fair share of moronic comments and I know how deeply those words cut. I can imagine what she's feeling right now and I'm sick for her.

All I know is this: if you can't understand why losing your loved and wanted baby is absolutely devastating, heart-wrenching and horrific, and that life can not possibly be the same ever again for a person who's experienced it, then you are simply heartless, brainless or soulless. That's all there is to it. For the love of everyone on this earth, keep your stupidity to yourself!

2. A few weeks ago, I made a graphic for All That Love Can Do. Running the page and the groups are the one thing I have to focus on. The one thing that makes me feel like I'm actually doing something with my life. This is what I made:

I made this graphic because I was so tired of people being told their time was "up" and it was time to move on from their pain. I sat down and wrote the words and then put them with an image to make a graphic I could share on the page. Image my shock when a few days later, I saw that my words had over 120,000 views, over 7 thousand shares and several thousands of likes. I felt so good to know my word were meaningful to other people!!

Then, I started seeing it on other pages, with my watermark cropped off. Someone had stolen my words, my work, and was passing it off as their own! I felt sick. Within days, it went viral. As of today, it's been shared over 1 million times. Clearly, my words were meaningful. What hurts me is that 90% of those shares were the stolen image. My words are no longer mine. Tons of sites have been credited with them instead of me, instead of my page.

What could have been something really special for me to feel proud of, was, instead, another thing I've been cheated out of. 

I can't even tell you how much it hurts me every time I see it on a page without my logo. This in the one thing I have in life, and now it's been stolen too.

Like I said, I'm just feeling sick and tired and completely fed up with this life and all the ugly people on this planet.

Will there ever be a day when people stop caring only about themselves and start caring about how the things they say and do impact others? Probably not.

I'm done. My shattered heart can't take any more of this.

The Gift Box

I got a special gift box in the mail today. It's from a mama I met through All That Love Can Do. She carried her son, Emery, to term after he was diagnosed with Anecenephaly. Read her story here.

She has been so amazing in helping us celebrate Samuel's life. She has taken tons of time to do special things for him and us and I love her for it. She lives far away, but she's become a great friend. 

Today, there was a ring at the door. When I opened it up, I found a huge box from her. It was full of love and special things for us. 

I could have just cried as I pulled out each thing she included. She got it just right. Things for me, like bath items and chocolates, and a book about heaven. Candles for his table, a darling little bunny and a bunny treat. 

Then, I saw the things that did make me cry. 

This absolutely beautiful collage she made and put in a shadow box:

And this soft heart, stitched with his name. (Made by Dawn, from http://www.ashleys-angels.org/)

I'm sitting here, with no real words to express how special these things are to me. 

All of these things are just perfect.

 

Ashley, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. You are a beautiful friend <3. I know Emery is so proud of his mama <3.

April

I just saw the date click over to April 1st. My brain starting reeling. How on earth can it possibly be a year later? WHAT?! I feel like the universe is playing some sort of trick on me. There is no way it's been that long. It must be some sort of twilight zone where suddenly you wake up and a year has past and you have no idea how that happened.

I'm just totally at a loss of how that could be true. Has the world really continued turning while I've been frozen in time? I simply can't explain it. It's been a moment, but also forever, at the exact same time. I guess when something this unexplainable, this horrible, this contrary to your basic ideas about life, happens, your brain simply can't be present in the same way. I guess it's taken all my energy just to keep existing. Nothing left for processing time.

We've decided to have a small gathering at our home for close friends and family next weekend. It's a party, but not a party. I've been back and forth a thousand times in the past few weeks. Do we want to? Do we not want to? Over and over. Finally, we realized it would be worse if we didn't mark it with other people present. We chose the weekend prior to his birthday because we need that time to ourselves.

I'm trying very hard to not focus on the fact that it's less than a week away. And less than 2 weeks until his birthday. I have no words for that. It can't possible be true.

I have this fear in the back of my mind that people are going to be done giving us our space, after those 2 weeks have passed. I feel as if our time is running out. Good thing for me I stand up for myself. Bad thing for me that I feel I'm going to have to. I don't feel any more ready to rejoin the world now than I did this past year. Nothing has changed. He's still not here. He's still missing every moment of every day. How could a year make me less aware of his constant absence? Each new day is a new day of experiences I know we're not having. Each day is just a glaringly empty as the last. Maybe that's why I haven't tracked the passing of time. Each day just melts into the next. Each morning I wake up to an empty day and the same broken heart. Each night I fall asleep with the same hole in my heart. It's always the same.

I can look back and see some healing. I know I'm in a different place in my grief than I've been in the early days. The hallowed out heart is just who I am now.

Somehow, this is my life.

Somehow, it's April again.